Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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