If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I just had sex on a roof
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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