I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
just tell him i said nine months
i was born a porn star she said
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
