I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
She even gives head with a lisp.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
