You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
