Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Randomize
