I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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