From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
