You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
