there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Randomize
