feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
