I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Randomize
