I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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