I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
