You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
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