How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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