Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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