i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
