Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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