the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
