I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
She needs sedatives and a leash
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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