By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
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