How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I deserve this hangover.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
