all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
