That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
