Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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