i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Randomize
