not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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