Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
