nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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