First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
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