I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
