I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
