I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
