If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
