my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
