Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
