Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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