I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
