The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
