omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
