So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
