I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
