I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
she was so not down for the gang bang
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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