the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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