I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
