I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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