Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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