I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
