you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
