im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
