sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
