I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
