Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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