She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
how drunk are you?
Several
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
