I'm so fucking centered right now
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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