I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Randomize
