OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
