I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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