the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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