Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
