Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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