i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
