It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
